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With Microsoft losing more and more steam as the years go by, many people have wondered when they will do something outside the box, or at the very least, something better than what they have been doing. If you look at Microsoft’s history, there are only about 3 standout products: Windows XP, XBOX, and Paint. Everything else Microsoft has done, has been satisfactory at best. All of this had us very intrigued to learn of a private press conference in Hyderabad, India, held by Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella.

The conference revealed the most innovative news in tech since the iPod – Nadella announced NBA star Dennis Rodman as the new face of Microsoft.

Dennis Rodman Spokesman

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past 20+ years, Dennis “The Worm” Rodman is the greatest rebounder the National Basketball Association has ever seen. He has won 5 NBA Championship rings, and has led the league in rebounds per game 7 years straight. He is also in the NBA Hall Of Fame – but maybe you don’t know Dennis Rodman for his basketball achievements. Maybe, you know Dennis Rodman for his “wild” behavior, such as dressing in drag and covering his body with tattoos before it was the thing to do.

You may remember that one time he cheated on Carmen Electra because the woman “fell out of the ceiling”. Some of us remember him as the official peacemaker of the United States with all of the progress he’s made in North Korea. Whatever the case, Dennis Rodman will now be the welcoming face of Microsoft.

Dennis Rodman E3 2014

Microsoft Chairman Of The Board John Thompson has gone on to say that Dennis Rodman will be in every marketing campaign that Microsoft releases, from June 2014 – to a date that has yet to be determined. Rodman will also be a keynote speaker at the Xbox E3 2014 event on June 9th.

Thompson did not disclose any information on what we can expect from this presentation, but he explained that Dennis will “Rock Out With His C$%# Out.” Does this mean a revamped version of Guitar Hero? Only time will tell. Thompson has assured us that the old ways of doing things are gone forever and that their image could use a little edge.

Bill Gates was also a side presenter in India, stating that “Dennis Rodman is the embodiment of all things Microsoft.”   He continued in saying: “Dennis is what I have worked so hard for, he was the inspiration behind the new start menu in Windows 8, and he has a home here, as long as I breathe my breath.”  These are some VERY strong and almost loving words from Gates.

We can expect to see Dennis Rodman in every for Microsoft Surface tablet commercial  from here on out. We see this as a good thing as Microsoft tablets are struggling to even be considered a contender in the market today. Shockingly, we can also expect to see him in a Verizon Wireless commercial featuring the Nokia Lumia Icon. Specific air dates of these commercials were not given.

Dennis Rodman isn’t just a pretty face, it has been confirmed by our sources in India that Dennis fully intends on re-inventing the wheel and has brought many ideas to the table that Microsoft is in the process of implementing. Rodman will be releasing an app for Windows devices called “Where’s My Worm” with similar gameplay to the popular game by Disney. Additionally, after a Windows Phone OTA, users will be able to customize the voice assistant “Cortana” to have Dennis Rodman’s voice.

Overall, Dennis Rodman is expected to boost Microsoft sales by 10% in the first year. Nadella has assured us that when consumers find out that Dennis Rodman is now the face of Microsoft, the products will fly off the shelves. Nadella feels they have done all they really can from a software standpoint and at this point in time the tech just isn’t there. With the release of Windows 8.1 this could not come at a better time. Dennis Rodman will help Microsoft rebound from their recent history of poor performance…pun FULLY intended.

DISCLAIMER
This article is for your entertainment. It is written from a strictly fictitious standpoint and should not be considered as factual news.
Website: Dennis Rodman And Microsoft
Website: Dennis Rodman And Windows Phone
Website: Dennis Rodman At E3 2014

About the author

Bret Smith

  • Nathaniel Webb

    lol this should end well.